The Devil’s Dictionary–an update

civilized = us
uncivilized = them

torture = what they do to our prisoners; called “enhanced interrogation techniques” when we do it to their people

barbarians = people who speak and act and whose ways of killing we consider inferior to ours

savages = people who haven’t learned to kill as well as we

bad guys = people who kill, torture, and destroy in order to further their political aims against us

good guys = people who kill, torture, and destroy in order to further their political aims for us

conservative Christian = someone who will kill for Christ

patriotism = the first refuge of scoundrels

social drinker = someone who drinks alcohol and hasn’t yet been caught for DWI

pacifist = an evil person who contaminates our children’s minds by tellng them it’s wrong to kill; a follower of Christ’s message

Muslim = someone who follows the message of Mohammed

Muslim terrorist = common term now used in place of “Muslim”

liberal = someone who wants to use your taxes to pay for what he thinks will do others the most good

conservative = in politics, one who believes that we should conserve the political structure and laws as they are as much as possible, avoiding change (archaic)

dog = a canine creature that brings love and warmth to a human family

cat = a feline carrier of toxiplasmosis; sacred to little old ladies

pervert = someone who does what we don’t dare to do (or think), like putting mayonnaise on pastrami; see also “barbarian”

born-again Christian = someone who by revelation has accepted the message of Christ to love one’s neighbor as oneself and tries to compel his neighbor to feel the same

God = the supreme ruler of all, omnipotent, omniscient, not perceptible to us through any of our senses, and unknown to many of us; corruption of “DOG”, the deity of a suppressed religion

conscientious objector = someone who believes that the commandment “Thou shalt not kill” does not have an asterisk next to it

good war = any war we participate in the day after one of our soldiers is killed

strict constructionist = someone who believes the Constitution should be construed literally as the words meant at the time it was written, except for the 2nd Amendment where “arms” is meant to include 50-caliber
machine guns, not just muskets and sabers

stock broker = a gambler, with your money

realist = someone who has lost his or her ideals

naive = someone who is not a realist

Buddhist = a follower of the way of Buddha, except in those countries where Buddhists are in power

capitalist = someone who believes the best organizing principle for a society is greed

socialist = someone who believes the best organizing principle for a society is caring for your neighbor; now a perjorative

gay marriage = an institution designed to allow homosexuals to suffer in the same manner as heterosexuals

inflammatory speech = what you say that I disagree with

teacher = someone who suffers abuse from children, administrators, and parents in order to educate our young; a minor deity

romantic = someone who prefers good stories over experience